Conditions and Strings

You know what’s an amazing gift to the people around you?

Stop being conditional.

No strings attached.

You may say, “I’m already doing that!” I can promise you you’re not.

We grow so used to the strings that we don’t notice we’re attaching them anymore.

And it feels FREEEEEEAKY when someone comes around and interacts with you without any strings.

But it’s also insanely nourishing, if you don’t freak out and leave.

Here are some examples of strings -

I want to tell this person something, but I’m afraid of how she’ll react.
I want to support this person, but only if it looks a certain way that I agree with. 
I want to give this person a gift, but I’m going to be mad if they hide it in the back of their closet or get rid of it in their next yard sale. 
I want to spend time with this person, but only of they’re going to be cheerful. 
The list could go on and on and on. This is so pervasive and insidious that I’m actually having trouble coming up with clear examples, because they’re like little ninjas - barely noticeable to the untrained eye.

I spent a moment a little while ago noticing the themes in my life that have been stressful lately - it’s all been around people’s conditions (or my expectation of them).

Which also means that if it’s happening all around me, then the quickest way to shift it is to ask - Where am I doing it, too? Where am *I* being conditional? (Because the world is our mirror.)

Here’s what I come up with so far.

+ I’m expecting that people will only be generous with me on the condition that I NEED it. (more of that struggle stuff I’ve been working with lately)

+ I’m only willing to interact with people on the condition that I already know they’ll love me. (No wonder I haven’t made any new friends since December or so.)

+ I’m only willing to pay my bills early on the condition that I know I will have more money coming in. (creates a wonky cash flow dynamic and lots of unnecessary drama)

+ I’m only willing to speak if I know it’s not going to upset the person I’m speaking to. (lack of full expression, lack of relating, lack of trust)

Now that I think about it, this is one of the gifts that a skillful coach brings to the table. They’re not actually holding any conditions on you. You get to show up however you show up and they’ll love you and help you love that part of yourself too.

You get to leave all that managing and censorship and manipulation at the door, and not worry about what the other person is going to do or say or think or feel, because they’re just showing up loving you, honestly, and inside that container, there’s a lot more freedom for everyone. I’m not saying there’s no feelings, but there’s space and permission and curiosity and clear vulnerable sharing. It’s a totally different dynamic to everyday life.

YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE A COACH TO SHOW UP NON-CONDITIONALLY.

What would it be like if you removed all requirements from the person in front of you (or yourself - oh man I have to make a new list now - how am I being conditional with myself...)

You just let them be however they’re being without it being right or wrong or too much of something or not enough of some other thing… Without trying to change or shift or correct or fix or steer or convince or cajole. But just showing up to love and witness and support.

What might that look like in your own life today?

I’m practicing it, too.

This is the stuff I’m percolating in right now, So I sat down to write and share it, because if it’s useful for me, it’ll be useful for others.